Counterpoint: Why Being Gay and In The Closet is Dangerous for Us All.

Greetings all,

I've been taken to task, even badmouthed and derided for my personal belief that GBLT people should take the difficult and often painful step of ending the lies and coming out of the closet.

I'm no bastion of personal integrity nor am I a bullwark of courage, although people who know me know set high standards for my personal courage and conduct. In fact, I am loath to admit that there was once a time in my own life when I felt safer and more secure hiding behind the facade of pretending to be a straight man and I was personally comfortable with the idea of lying to protect my "dirty little secret" from being exposed.

There is a real problem with this type of thinking though. It makes life more dangerous for seemingly small number of us who refuse to keep turning our backs on our true nature and those of us who simply want to enjoy the same rights and dignity that straight folks have without having to slink about and lie to the world about ourselves.

I have a friend, who I'll call "Ted". "Ted" is a married man who currently is in what can be politely called his "Golden Years" Ted has friendships and frequent sexual relations with self-identified gay men. I only use the name Ted, because I believe people should be honest about their sexuality, but it has to come from them as a natural part of emotional growth. nobody DESERVES to be outed forcibly....not even Senator Larry "Wide-Stance" Craig.

Ted also has a wife who is becoming ever more aware of his dalliances with these gay men and, I suspect, probably quite troubled by it from the accounts I've received. Words describing her as "depressed" frequently enter the conversations when I'm told about her. Ted deludes himself with the notion that he is "outsmarting her" with his "secret" behavior. He thinks she is, apparently, stupid,....or maybe just "too scared" to confront him.

I suspect she is likely "looking the other way", because, at this stage of her life, the idea of confronting Ted about his philandering ways would only cause more misery than she needs, although I can't help but wonder if she'd be as tolerant of his gay sexual forays, if she'd found this out 20-30 years earlier. Ted would most likely be facing a different, more angry woman, than he now finds himself married to.

My hat is off to her for her remarkable courage in the face of what must seem like the biggests injustice ever visited upon her during her time married to Ted. The saddest part is, that while I suspect she knows and is might well be very angry and heartbroken about her husband's infidelity, she has seemingly chosen to turn the anger inward upon herself. It doesn't take a PHd to know that anger turned inward on one's self manifest itself as depression. I'm sad for her.

To the point of my blog. Ted has repeatedly taken me to task for my belief that the world would be a better and safer place if all the gay men in it would just stop hiding and be honest with them self and with their loved ones.

A little history. Ted used to briefly be intimate with my current partner, and although the sexual part didn't last very long, Ted and my partner have shared a friendship for a few years now. Bravo to Ted or keeping the friendship alive. Sadly, many gay men don't remain friendly toward their former lovers..and that's a shame, so Kudos to Ted for keeping the friendship alive.

The rub is that, my partner is a younger man who comes from a family background that would best be described as "not gay-friendly". His father is, (like me) a former Marine, and to his credit, his Dad has treated me with respect and even went to dinner with Chris and myself recently on a "get to know you" visit. My hat's off to him for his courage and his tact. It's not every Dad who would be willing to break bread with the "faggot" who his son is dating. Bravo to you, Bob! My partner's mother is a great deal more of a challenge. She wants no part of this and, I'm told, has refused to even CONSIDER meeting with me. While I don't need , nor do I seek, her approval, I do find that her potential CIVILITY might go a long way to helping my partner's self-esteem and piece of mind. I mean, can you imagine...coming home from the date where you met the most wonderul person you'd ever met and you were just DYING to tell your Mom all about that person? Can you imagine how terrible it feels to be faced with a mother who REFUSES to even MEET your new sweetie? Can you imagine a mother who flies into a rage at the mere mention of your newfound happiness? This is my partner's own personal challenge EVERY TIME he mentions me or DARES to come visit me. He has to listen to tearful pleas for his happiness, followed by angry rants where she orders him to move out of the only home he's ever known...because of me. (Kinda gets you right THERE, don't it?)

Well, back to modern day. My partner and Ted communicate frequently, as friends do, and my partner has had to listen to Ted telling him "Shawn is too outspoken"....or Shawn is too Preachy"....or he has been told by Ted that he'd be better off if he simply remained hidden in the closet and then nobody would know. Sorry, but THAT little cat is out of the bag. My partner came out already, but has had real self-esteem issues and and has even been to so-called "Reparative Therapy" sessions within his church. After all was said and done, my dear Sweetie is STILL gay, and I suspect, even MORE disillusioned with his religion and himself than he was before. Poor Ted has actually managed to push the limits of the friendship he shares with my partner, because my Sweetie wants to come out. The man of my life WANTS to be honest and wants to stop hiding who he is. Yes, admittedly, he is not FULLY out yet, but he is working toward that goal. The goal is within reach for my partner. He wants what everyone in love wants....to share the joy that his relationship brings ....both with me and with the world. He wants the right to give me a peck on the cheek ....or even hold my hand *gasps!* in public,...and not fear being beaten up or bashed or having his home burned or his tires slashed.

I share with you this artice from a recent "ADVOCATE" magazine, which as many of you know, is a GLBT focus magazine:

Mixed Messages

Weeks before he was brazenly killed by his teenage crush, 15-year-old Lawrence King was encouraged to be himself. Did that lesson help send him to his grave?
By Neal Broverman
Excerpted from The Advocate April 8, 2008

At 8:15 a.m. on February 12, Brandon McInerney, age 14, stormed into the computer lab of Oxnard, Calif.’s E.O. Green Junior High. Armed with a small caliber handgun, he shot 15-year-old Lawrence King twice in the head in front of a roomful of students.
If they didn’t see the execution coming, most of King’s peers at school knew he was being bullied for being proudly gay and flouting male conventions by accessorizing his school uniform with eye shadow and high-heeled boots. In the months leading up to that morning, King had undergone a metamorphosis. Guided by a welcoming support system at the group home where he lived, the teenager was encouraged to dress as he pleased and live as the person he wanted to be. What King and others didn’t recognize was that this encouragement—and his response to it—placed him on a collision course with a culture that found him repulsive.
Even before his death, Larry King was notorious. He was the sassy gay kid who bragged about his flashy attire and laughed off bullying, which for him included everything from name-calling to wet paper towels hurled in his direction. King was an easy target—he stood 5 foot 4 and was all of 100 pounds.
The boy’s unconventional family life was also fodder for gossip around the lockers of E.O. Green. Even though both his parents reside in Oxnard, about an hour’s drive northwest of Los Angeles, King lived at Casa Pacifica, a group home for abused, neglected, and emotionally troubled children. The facility houses kids until they are returned to their families or taken in by foster parents. The average stay at Casa Pacifica, according to staff member Melissa Flavin, is 30 days. King lived there for over four months.
Except for a few short sentences from King’s father to the Los Angeles Times about their grief, the King family has refused to speak to the media, including The Advocate, about Larry’s death or his living situation. “His dad, his name is Greg King…I think that’s his foster father who adopted him,” says David Keith, spokesman for the Oxnard Police Department. “I don’t know where [Larry’s] natural parents are or even if they’re in the picture.”
At a February 22 public memorial service attended by 500 mourners, a Presbyterian minister eulogized King as one of God’s “grand creations,” “a masterpiece” who loved bugs, chess, and licorice. He told a story about how King and his mother, Dawn, crocheted hundreds of scarves for U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan. With a shaky voice, the mayor of Oxnard shared his anguish over King’s murder and made a plea for community-wide compassion. No one in the King family spoke.

This young man, was different from most of his peers. I personally believe he was a brave little soul.....braver than most grown men and certainly braver than Ted. Mind you, I don't think Ted is a coward, but I think he doesn't see the big picture.

Ted is seeing only how his coming out might affect HIMSELF. What Ted fails to see is that, everytime a "regular guy" like himself, or like my partner, or the milkman, the factory worker, the Harley rider, the 4-H member, the Priest, the professional athlete, makes the decision to come out of hiding and take our rightful place in this world, we make the world more aware of the fact that WE are part of this world too. We make the forces of hate and intolerance and gaybashing WEAKER. We make the world safer for us and for everyone in the world who is "different"....be that difference physical, sexual orientation, or just plain weird. Yes, the "weird" of the world ALSO have the RIGHT to exist, right alongsinde the Ted's of this world...the milkmen, then factory workers, the Harley riders, the 4-H members, the Priests, and the profession athlete's.

My hole point of this blog was to point out that there IS strength in numbers, Little Larry King died because he was "different"...and lived among people who's culture was intolerant of being different.

As a gay man, I can safely say that coming out of the closet was my own personal hell and the hardest decision I ever faced. I could not have done it without the loving support of my friends and my family. It was tough, but living the lie was tougher....and living the lie nearly ended my life in a moment when I felt abandoned and alone.

To the Teds of this world, please....come out...and if you can't find it in you to come out and help out...then PLEASE...at least PLEASE, be supportive of those who DO want more for themself.

Take care and be well!

-Shawn

:)