Hey! Thanks for sticking with me!... I know...hurry up already, right? Okay then... I guess I was a pretty average kid. Did fairly well in school, got pretty good grades and I had very few friends. I guess I just seemed to associate better with adults back then. I did have one friend named Tim. Great guy, but a troubled youth I'm afraid. Seems like we did about everything together,...including getting into the usual trouble kids get into. Nothing serious for me, but in later years Tim wound up in jail in New Mexico. I haven't seen or heard from him in nearly 20 years now. I grew up being the typical oldest child. My folks did their best to not pressure me about school, but I know there was always this underlying sense of having to "lead the way" for the other kids buried deep inside me. I was a really introverted and shy kid who worried about stuff that most kids never dream of. As a result, I grew up always being the last kid picked to play on a team. I never dated all through school. I kept pretty much to myself. I grew up more in the shadow of my younger brother Greg, than I cared to admit back then. I was the "bright child",...but it seems as though Greg excelled at everything he ever tried. For the longest time I swore that I was adopted. After all, how could two brothers possibly be so different. I was a shy loner and Greg had a myriad of friends. I never dated while in school, and Greg seemed to have the girls tripping over themselves to get to him. As we grew older, I realized we were more alike than we were different, but as a teenager, I remember really resenting how he seemed to always fall into poop and come out smelling like a rose. Thank goodness we grew up and those feelings faded. As I mentioned, I was a bit of a late bloomer. While my brother had girls approaching him in droves, I was very confused about what I felt inside as far as my sexual orientation goes. I wasn't really all that interested in girls. The one time I DID show interest in one, it turns out that she was only talking to me to get in on the ground floor with my brother! Talk about a broken heart. I went to my Senior prom alone that year and never even went inside. I sat out in the lobby by myself for 3 hours and watched everyone have a great time and wondered why I was miserable. Determined to get out of my brother's shadow and also to force myself to be like "normal guys" (I think you get my drift...), I joined the U.S. Marine Corps. It was a very low time in my life. I hated it there. Looking back, it was a stupid choice for me. When I got out of the Marine Corps, I came home to find my folks had moved to another town. I didn't have the cash for college, so I lived at home for a short time then got work in a small grocery store and moved out. For the first time in my life I was on my own, making my own way. I worked at several different jobs. I delivered newspapers by night, worked at the local Recycling plant by day, even took a job for a short time in one of the local mills. I decided millwork was NOT my calling. Truly the most mind-numbing job I ever held. I took another job at a different Incinerator/Recycling municipal plant, and began to study electronics via a home correspondance course. I finished up the 2 year course in just over 10 months and took a job in an electronics repair shop fixing TV's, stereos, telephones, tape recorders, VCR's, and even sold and serviced the old C-Band Satellite dishes that came out in the early 80's. I tried dating with mixed success. I thought I would be happy, but it wasn't working at all. Inside, I still had all the same old feelings,...what most of the world would consider "inappropriate feelings" about my sexual orientation. I mean, women were nice, (just not always nice to me), but they were not where my inner feelings felt most comfortable. Still, I was not happy about having these feelings and what they represented back then. I finally married the first girl that accepted. She was a bit immature for me back then, (although she did turn out to be a fine woman and a verg good mother), but she seemed to really like me and I could er...ah...function with her. We were married for not quite 5 years and had a son named Shane and a daughter named Chantille Joy. I tried the best I could to be a good husband, a loyal lover, a good provider, and a good father, but I was still very frustrated inside. (There was a dark secret I was hiding) I kept things bottled up and wouldn't share them with my wife. I know it was as difficult for her as it was for me. Perhaps even more so. I began to work crazy long hours at the car dealership, where I was employed as the Parts Manager. The money was good, but the strain it put on the marriage was the final straw. I think I would rather die than to have to go through another divorce. Actually, divorce is a lot like death, except that you keep seeing familiar faces every week who don't like you anymore. The first year was the worst. I was more pained by the separation from my children. We have "joint" custody, but in the real world, that translates out to "You get the kids on alternating weekends and for half of their school vacations, yet meanwhile you pay child support, plus their health insurance, and 1 half of their uncovered medical expenses..." Some deal, huh? That boils down to 4 days a month plus a little bit more during school vacation. Strangely enough, I was the one who filed for divorce. I was the one with a lawyer. (She didn't even get one, although being a "single mother", she could get a free one. Another way the justice system tilts towards the mother... Oh heck,...It's all over and done now, so no point in being bitter. Over time, she and I grew into our roles as responsible parents. I became a more loving and attentive Daddy and she became a responsible Mommy who finally managed to get and keep a good job while doing a fine job of raising two great kids. I did finally manage to meet a lover who made me very happy. He (yes, he) and I had 3 very wonderful and very meaningful years together. We didn't live together, out of fear of having my kids snatched away, so they were the best-kept secret of my life. I really HATED the fact that it was a closely guarded secret, but we do what we must to survive. I've since decided no more secrets. Life is too short for such things. Happiness is worth more than gold. Perhaps someday, the world will be more understanding in such matters of the heart, but back then, being found out SURELY would have meant I'd see not my children again. I couldn't live with that... Life has a way of knocking you on your butt sometimes, just when you think you've finally made it. How so? Well, ..after three of the happiest years I spent in this life, my lover, whom I'd regretfully kept from the world and those closest to me, died after being struck by a drunk driver. I had lost my world, or so it seemed. I couldn't even go to others to grieve. I had to grieve alone and grieve I did for nearly 2 years. My only bright days were when I got my kids. I threw myself into my job and shut out the rest of the world. I wanted to crawl into a corner and die, and on more than one occaision, I nearly did just that. Still, I know I had to go on for my kids sake. I wasn't going to cheat them out of their father, although I was so very tempted to just "make the pain go away". Time does help heal. I have 2 wonderful people to thank for my sanity. One is a young lady who must remain nameless for the time being. (long story), but she is the only woman I've met in my life that treats me like a real friend. Thanks girl... And the other? Well the other person is my friend Mikey D. I met Mike through a personal ad on the internet in November or 1997. Mikey ran an ad looking for a friend and ONLY a friend. At the time I responded to his ad, a friend was ALL I wanted too, so it seemed like a good idea. Mikey turned out to be the friend I've been praying for so hard, for all these many years. I found out from him, even before I met him, that he has a terminal illness. He won't likely reach a ripe old age. While part of me understands the heartache will come with his passing, the other part of me wants to treasure and savor his friendship for as long as he is here. He has taught me so much. So very, very much about life and about living and about what is really important. He taught me that life is to be LIVED...not simply survived in a meager existence. No matter what I've told him, he understands. He has never once gotten angry with me. He is so very upbeat and warm and caring. I'm not afraid to tell the world that I truly love my Mikey. Despite what the world may think, I know for a fact that you CAN love someone without the sexual part. I love my friend in a way that only he and I understand, and after all, that's really what matters, now isn't it? Thanks to Mikey, I now have Bugsy and Moo-Moo. I now have a new hobby / passion / obsession: photography. I always wanted to do it, but could never find someone to teach me the finer points. I'm so grateful to Mikey for teaching me, for I truly enjoy the craft and it has brought out a creativity in me that I didn't know existed. But mostly, I just thank Mikey for being Mikey. For listening to me when the world sucks. For laughing with me when life is funny. For crying with me when I'm sad, and for the warm hug he gives me everytime I see him. The world needs more huggers and most people are just too uptight about such things. Life is to short to get caught up in such nonsense! Wake up people! If you haven't got a friend in your life like my Mikey, then do yourself a huge favor....GO GET ONE! Thank you Mikey. You'll never really understand what having you in my life has meant, but I hope someday you will. I could drone on for hours about my old job in Law Enforcement otherwise known as the greatest job you'll ever grow to hate or love in any given moment. *winks* Actually, despite all the CRAP I have had to endure with my job, (and I can assure you there is PLENTY!), despite the terrible schedule that is inhuman at times, despite the stress level which is so high that on the average, a person only last 3 years (statistically) without burning out or blowing their brains out, and despite being misunderstood, mistrusted, and abused (usually by the very people you are trying to help and serve),....despite all these things, I must say that there are times when I realized I had a great job that can and DOES make a REAL difference in the lives of other people every time I went to work. While there is way too much political B.S. in the job, I came to realize just how important my job was and how important it was to do it well. For every 10 people that calls to complain or whine or make your life miserable, there is always that one person who's child has stopped breathing and needs YOUR help, that elderly man who just lost his wife of 50 years and needs YOUR help, that terrified woman who has just been beaten by her husband and needs YOUR help.... Those are the calls that make me realize how lucky I was. The job? Most of the time, it sucks but the sense of reward for having made a difference in someones life? That's why I did it for 10 years. As for the rest of my life? I have a few regrets, but too few to mention. I like who I have become. I have a great job now in a high tech company in my chosen field of industrial electronics. I'm not going to complain. Instead, I'm going to enjoy my life. After all, it's been pretty good so far. Thanks for caring enough to read my story. I appreciate it. Take care and be well!
-Shawn
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